We fear change

Yes, we do. I'd like to believe I embrace, even praise change, but the reality is that I fear it just like anyone else. Case in point: The Grocery Store. I do not like being in foreign grocery stores. I like MY grocery store. It feels strange, unnatural, and wrong to be in a different one. The beef is not where it's supposed to be and the Gatorade is on the opposite end. . . it's far too disorienting. I believe all grocery stores should look the same on the inside. Why should they be different? They all sell the same shit. They all have parking lots in front of them. Homogenization seem to be the ultimate goal of humanity anyway, so stop freaking me out with all these differently designed grocery stores goddamnit. . . .

Did you know I have never, ever, once, sought to obtain an onion? For any reason or purpose? I go out of my way to request food without onions. You could eradicate the Earth of onions and I wouldn't miss a beat. I fail to grasp the allure of this mysterious vegetable. The odor is repugnant. The smell permeates throughout the room, dominating all other scents in it's path. The same with garlic. It is an overwhelming aroma that detracts from all that surround it. It oozes out of your pores and makes you stink. If they are supposed to enhance the flavor of the dish, then why is the smell so fucking overpowering? If I can't smell shit else in the room, then why is it not a focal point? Why don't people eat onion and garlic sandwiches? Because it's stupid, that's why. I'll eat you. Shut the fuck up.

Parking

Sometimes, I like to manipulate human behavior. It's so easy; I can't help it. So forgive me when I can't stand people who drive all over a parking lot, looking and waiting for the best spot. Who has that kind of time? It's not like this is rocket science; just pick a spot somewhat close to your desired destination, and park there. It's gonna take you longer to wait till that good spot opens up and by then I'm already in the store. I hate waiting. Nothing makes me feel like more of a bitch than waiting for something. When I find myself in those situations, it means someone else wants the same thing I want, and they're going to have it before me. . . .and that's fucking bullshit. It means I'm not as unique as I think I am. I'm supposed to think of everything before everyone else. "That's pride fucking wit you, man!" Fuck pride. And waiting. Humans LOOOVE to wait. They love it. Everyone will say they don't, but they really do (New York City wouldn't even exist if people didn't really love to wait). At McDonald's, how many times have you seen two registers and one line? I relish those moments. I'll just walk in front up to the first one I see open. Everyone in the original line will initially think, "what the fuck?!?" But then they'll realize they were being stupid and they will create a second line behind me. So now apply this logic to parking: Sometimes, it's easier just to make your own space. Who says you have to park where they tell you? What are they gonna do, put you in parking jail? (They actually tow you; I found out the hard way. Like I say, everyone is a monkey.) Whatever, I don't give a fuck, I'll keep doing it. I will not modify my behavior out of fear for the tow truck. I refuse to drive around a parking lot all fucking day when it's easier to just make my own space. And I won't get caught because someone will park behind me, and that means we're both going down. If I'm going down, I'm taking someone with me. "People". . . more like, "Sheeple". . .

Face.

Retard sex

Do retarded people fuck? Surely retarded dudes get boners, probably quite often I'd imagine. It's probably a great way for a retard to spend his time, jerking off. If I were retarded, that's all I'd do: Jerkoff and slam my helmeted head into the wall. Do retards fuck each other? No doubt they seek pleasure. Like, if you have a retard, can you arrange with someone else's retard to have a retard sex hookup? Is there retard porn? I feel like that would be disturbing. Would it be ok to fuck a retard? I am unsure about the legality of such an act, but what if she was really hot and wanted it? Can a retard even be hot? I can't recall ever seeing one but I bet sex with a hot retard would be animalistic. They are such quite simple and primitive beasts that a hot retard bitch would probably go nuts on your cock. I've never seen a hot retarded bitch before, though. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't sex her down, even if she was hot. Do regular bitches let retarded dudes fuck them? If a bitch lets a dog fuck her, I'm positive she'd let a retard beat it up. I wonder if normal bitches ever have retarded fuck buddies? I bet a retard would destroy it; hammer that shit with their retarded pumps. They can be quite brutish and they probably take the same liberaties with a pussy. I think I wouldn't mind being retarded, so long as I could still bone. Retards live without inhibition. They feel no societal pressure. They get to piss and shit their pants, the whole time laughing their retarded laughs and playing with their poo. . . while somebody else cleans it up. They don't have to work or pay for anything. They can fuck, eat, sleep, bang their retarded helmeted heads into walls, color, play video games, and get fucked up. Being retarded sounds pretty fucking awesome when you look at it that way.

Eric Stoltz better watch out

Every time I see a person with red hair, I get really angry. There's something about seeing a skinny, pale-faced redhead that just really pisses me off. They always have this stupid shit-eating smirk and I get an overwhelming urge to punch them repeatedly in the face. What the fuck are you so happy about? You get burned spending five minutes in the sun. You're like a vampire except you don't have all those awesome powers like superhuman strength and immortality. Eric Stoltz is a supreme example of a redheaded douche bag. He's such a shitfuck and he's always in cool movies, I don't understand it. The guy was in "Pulp Fiction" for god's sake! Eric Stoltz and Pulp Fucking Fiction! Bullshit! "Pulp Fiction" is too cool a movie for redheaded people! He was also in "Rules of Attraction" playing a professor who gets his dick sucked by one of his hot students.

Watching him writhe in ecstacy from the dick sucking he's receiving makes me feel like I'm in bizarro world. What kind of whoreface would suck Eric Stoltz's dick and swallow his redheaded load? I bet his load tasted like fucking Tabasco sauce going down her throat. You have stupid red hair, you're ugly, and you don't deserve to have your dick sucked by anyone. . . except a dude. You better pray you don't run into me, Eric Stoltz, because I WILL punch your smug jerkoff face. Belee dat.

FACE.

Eiffel Tower

Anyone reading this made an "Eiffel Tower"? Yes? Then you are gay and don't know it. I'm sorry, but you are, and I'm here to tell you why. . . .Homo. You engaged in a sex act with another male. By that defintion it makes you gay. "But we're banging chicks, Bro!" I don't want to fucking hear it. If your penis, and another man's penis, were both exposed in the same room, getting sweaty, and pumping on the same chick, then that's gay. If you are banging a girl, raw (awesome), from behind, while she's blowing your buddy, that's gay. If you pump a man's wife while he's in there watching, that's gay. If you are naked, in a room, with a boner, and there's another dude in that room, clothed or otherwise, that's gay. You have a dude watching you pump and you have no qualms about it, there's some serious faggotry going on in your head. My dick is enough for one room, let alone one bitch. My question: Why two dudes? I feel that a threesome with two chicks is far more awesome than a threesome with two dudes. You could have two bitches blow you at the same time. Dick in one mouth, balls in the other. When that option is available, how could one possibly, even remotely, consider tag-teaming a bitch? I would rather concentrate my efforts on two bitches than two dudes. But you say, "Dude it's cool to high five your boy while you're boning!" Guess what Budday? You touched a dude during sex and that's gay. This is really quite simple, I can't believe this is even a topic of discussion. How can you get a boner with a naked fucking dude in the room? What the fuck? How can you focus on the chick when her lips are wrapped around your boy's cock? What happens if you switch? Sloppy seconds are all but assumed. . . . And I would hope that the consensus on double-penetration is that it's indisputably gay. I mean, you're fucking a half-pussy, half-dick for god's sake. You are using the friction from another man's penis to aid in the blowing of your load. I would assert that when any load you blow is male-assisted, that's really gay. I only drop "male-free loads". If you don't want to be gay, then you should too.


*I'm not saying I think there's anything wrong with being gay. If you want to fuck ass, that's awesome. Just don't deny who you are. People who sneak around are afraid of what others think and that means you're an insecure bitch. Don't be a bitch, be awesome.

I want to face-fuck Hannah Montana

Ha ha, YEAH! She has a whoreface and I would sex it. You really wanna grow up so fast? Let me show you how grownups play. . . with a big old load to your 16 year-old face. I'm talking about a huge load. A I-haven't-dropped-a-load-in-a-few-days load. An eight roper load. It'll look like someone squeezed a whole tube of Elmer's glue on your face. I'll shove my dick all the way down your gullet and those collagen-filled lips will serve as a moon bounce for my balls. After I'm done face-fucking you, you can sign my Hannah Montana special-edition lunch box. Welcome to adulthood Hannah Montana, the water's warm.

I like to sweep

I don't know why, but I do. Almost to the point of obsessive compulsion. I see dirt, I must sweep it ASAP. Cleanliness is next to godliness and being god would be cool. I mean, I have about as much chance as being god due to cleanliness as there is a chance there's a real one. I'm not going to debate theology with you. You can't reason with a sheep. And speaking of sheep, why is it always implied that people have sex with them? Is a sheep vagina very similar to a woman's vagina? Or is just because it's tighter than a cow or a horse's? I suppose a pig would be too feisty, but then again, any thing's possible. I saw a dude get fucked to death by a horse on the Internet. This dude took a horse cock the size of my arm and fist up his ass, to the hilt, causing internal bleeding and ultimately his demise. How embarrassing, but that's so fucking stupid his headstone should read:

Here lies Billy Wayne Willam Willams, Jr.

He got fucked to death by a horse.

Sick fuck.

And you could fit your whole arm in a cow's vagine. I can't imagine how that could be pleasurable, what with the lack of friction and all. Perhaps animal fucking is an opportunistic thing. That's how guys end up fucking each other in jail. You're sharing a cell with a dude serving a life sentence you best believe he's gonna try to get his pencil wet with you. There can't be a lot of bitches on a farm. I feel like they'd be hard to find anyway because you're sequestered by acres and acres of land. But since we're on the subject of animal sex, is a woman getting fucked by a dog worse than a guy fucking a sheep? For some reason I feel the dog one is more fucked up. It's probably out of male vanity because how could a dog possibly satisfy a woman? I know it's horrible that a man is raping a sheep, but come on. Those red rockets? In the clip I saw, Buddy knew he was about to get some ass. He hopped right up there and knew exactly where to put it. It's funny, as I type this, my dog is actually staring at me.

"Come here, boy! You want some peanut butter?"

Apricots

There comes a time in every male adolescent's life where he discovers the sheer, unbridled jubilation of dropping his first load. My first load came (pun intended) at the tender age of 12. I was perusing a Club magazine and my dick got so hard it hurt. I was laying on my stomach, grinding into the bed, but that did nothing but irritate it more. Frustrated and in pain, I took my dick out for inspection. I don't know if it was instinct or what, but I grabbed it. This caused my penis to explode, my first ejaculation! I ran to the bathroom unsure of what to do. A little voice in the back of my head told me to do that again, this time with a purpose. I did. It was fucking awesome. I'm not sure why preventing drug use in teenagers is difficult. Just give them some porn. If I had unlimited access to hardcore pornography, I would never have started smoking weed. What would be the point? There's nothing like that feeling of blowing a load. It immediately become a staple in my after-school routine. I would come home and go straight to the bathroom. I would draw a bath because the sound of the water filling the tub would drown out the jerking sounds, but it was a pressure jerk. I had to be finished before the tub filled up and the water turned off. So the best sessions came when no one was at home. I could be totally uninhibited. I would lay out two towels to see how far I could shoot it. If the wind was right, I could clear both of them and hit the wall. I pity the next occupants of that house. Initially, Vaseline was my lube of choice, but I found it only served to make the activity messier than it already was; plus it just wasn't practical. It was oily and next to impossible wash off. I had to use my spankerchief, but a towel full of load and vaseline is disgusting. I began to experiment with various lotions, even soap. Getting soap inside the tip of your penis is a bummer. I quickly abandoned it. Conditioner worked OK, but that was expensive and sure to be missed. A full investigation of our medicine cabinet led me to a tube titled "Apricot Scrub". Much to my chagrin, I was not familiar with what an exfoliate does. I figured it was some kind of apricot lotion and I liked apricots; they were like eating little ears*. I filled my hand generously and began jerking like mad. "OWWWW!" I screamed, as hundreds of crushed up apricot pits ripped into my dick. It was like whacking with sandpaper. It didn't deter me, of course. I immediately washed it off and went searching for an alternative. My inquisitive nature led me to my dad's dresser drawer. I was in forbidden territory, but my gambit paid off. I discovered something tailor-made for whacking: K-Y jelly. I used to hear my dad pumping cause his room was next to mine and hearing the moans freaked me the fuck out when I was 12. I told my dad his quote unquote "TV"was too loud at night. He got me a white-noise projector. Never been able to sleep without one since. But the beautiful thing about K-Y is that giving it water is like giving it steroids. One time during a particularly enthusiastic session I slipped, and hit myself in the nose with my fist. I immediately blew my load.

* Don't forget, I will eat you.

Shit

I have pooping issues. It takes me forever. I need a book, half a roll of toilet paper, and total solace (and more fiber). I'm in there for minimum 20 minutes. My buddy always gives me shit (not literally) about it. His name is, ironically, The Slug. The Slug goes, "Bro! You gotta let the shit just slide out Bro! Loosen up the sphincter!" He's the kind of guy who comes running to show the 14 inch long, totally intact shit he just took. I don't understand how a shit can be so long. An asshole that isn't used to be being dilated for extended amounts of time has to pucker up for air at some point. My argument is in order to be able to take a shit that big, your asshole has got to be loose. Loose like you-regularly-get-pumped-up-the ass-by-a giant-cock loose. That's the only way, in my mind, a shit can take such a form. My asshole is too tight to drop shits like that. I clamp up, it get's all messy, and takes forever to wipe. At summer camp, this was when I was like 14 years old, we're sitting on the front porch of the cabin and my boy Sean says, "Be right back, I gotta go shit." He was gone for literally 60 seconds. I was like, "Dude! That was faster than I can piss! How the hell did you do that?" He goes, "The shit just slides out my asshole." I was blown away; such profundities are not usually uttered by 15 year old adolescents. Especially by ones who used to inhale air-conditioner fluid. . .

I like to sit down to piss

When I first started doing this it made perfect sense; when you wake up at 4 am to take a leak, who wants to get blasted by the bathroom light? If I sat down I could piss in the dark. One time I woke up with a raging hard-on that wasn't going anywhere. So instead of pulling an act of contortion at the toilet, I went outside and let it flow in all it's rainbow arcing glory. There's something so natural about pissing outside. Whenever I feel my testerone levels dipping I just piss outside, makes 'em spike back up with a quickness. When I was done (I swear to god it was over two minutes of uninterrupted flow), I went back inside and proceeded to walk face first into my sliding glass door at full speed. Fuck that hurt. I spent the next three hours with a throbbing head and a boner. But anway yeah, if you sit down to piss at night you don't have to turn the light on.

Black people eat hummus

All sandwiches should have meat. It's that simple. There's only one exception and that is the always delicious peanut butter and jelly sando. Why is it the exception? Protein. Protein makes you awesome. The more protein you eat, the more awesome you are. Peanut butter has a shit ton of protein. The foundation of a meal must have protein in it. A sandwich with no meat makes no sense. The only logical explanation (or excuse as I would say) is that you are a vegetarian. Well vegetarians are pussies. Show me a vegetarian and I will show you a pussy. You cannot get awesome by not eating meat. I understand there are arguments (stupid ones) for vegetarianism and true, it is a personal choice. Yeah, a personal choice to not be awesome. Moral reasons? Now you're a gaping pussy. Cows are here for one purpose and one purpose only: for us to eat. They're just like vegetables except they can move. Apparently the facts state that for every one pound of beef you could make seven pounds of grain. Well, I'll trade my seven pounds of grain for your one pound of beef ten times out of ten, you fucking vegan pussy. What the fuck am I gonna do with seven pounds of grain? What a paradox this is: we must reduce our carbon footprint yet still be able to eat delicious filet mignon. The Earth is one big natural resource and we're obliterating it at a pace that gives me vertigo. A balance must be struck between our god given right to eat animals and the detrimental effects of raising cattle for slaughter on our environment. The first time I witnessed a sandwich being made sans meat, I was quite perplexed. My roommate was making a sandwich that did not include meat. I was confused and distraught. Like an eloquent Italian from New Jersey, this does not make sense.
Me: "Dude, what is that shit you're putting on there?"
Roommate: "Hummus."
Me: "No meat?"
Roommate: " No, just hummus."
Did I mention my roommate was black? This was blowing my fucking mind. Not only was I watching a sandwich being made without the slightest trace of anything resembling meat, I was also witnessing a black man making a hummus sandwich, with a very generous portion of hummus. I have never seen this before. I hate hummus. I've never had it before; I'm not even sure what it is and nor do I care. It kinda sounds Jewish to me (don't worry I love Jews). I don't mean to stereotype but hummus cannot possibly be a common ingredient in most black folks' kitchen. Watermelon, fried chicken, cornbread, sugar water . . . hummus is most unexpected. Almost as unexpected as a sandwich without meat on it and my roommate was not a vegetarian by any means. This only served to compound my confusion further. It has never occurred to me, EVER, to have a meatless meal (insert obligatory gay reference here). An egg salad sandwich would be the closest thing, but that's protein from a bird. Pancake breakfast? Of course, but it is always accompanied by sausage and/or bacon. There are just some things in life that just ain't natural: Black people eating hummus and sandwiches without meat . . . .and vegetarians are pussies.

Baby Huey

After working in the same office with the same people for a few years, you can't help but notice your co-workers idiosyncrasies. We have a guy in our office that literally does nothing all day. He doesn't even have a fucking computer at his desk. Wait, I lied. He actually got one LAST WEEK. I started out as a college intern 8 years ago, and he just got the computer. He makes 140k to read the newspaper and find high school marching bands for games one month out of the year. But this doesn't affect me so I don't care about it. What DOES affect me are people who insist on engaging in small talk in the bathroom. There's this one dude who pisses and shits at least 16 times a day (twice an hour). And after he shits, it's beyond foul. I wish we had a sign we could put up after he shits that says "____ was just here" so I know to avoid the bathroom for the next five hours. He looks like Baby Huey and really needs to see a doctor. I hear the guy trying to piss and it sounds like he's trying deadlift 400 pounds. . . But anyway, when I do venture in there, there's always someone who wants to talk. Why THE FUCK would you want to spend any more other than the absolute minimum amount of time in the bathroom? It is a place of bodily functions. A human waste depository. A place where excrement lives and ass-wiping is taking place. Is there anything so important that it can't wait 30 seconds to discuss? We really have to talk about it over the grunts of a guy pinching off a loaf in a closed environment that, literally, smells like shit?

Co-worker: "So Slumdog Millionaire was an excellent movie, have you seen it yet?"
Guy Shitting: "UNNNHH, AHHHH. . . whew!"
Me: "Oh yeah, it should definitely win best picture."

I'm too polite. . .

The Lemon Party

I used to always say I wanted to punch bloggers in the face because blogging is gay. I don't mean that I want to punch a gay guy in the face. I actually think male homosexual activity is quite amusing. Call me disturbed, but I find the concept of two hairy dudes pumping each other up the ass to be hysterical:

Homo dude 1 (in deep voice): "ARGH YEAH SMACK MY ASS!"
Homo dude 2 (in deeper voice): "OH YEAH I'M SPANKIN IT!"

The defining charateristic of the typical office environment is boredom. You're in the same place, for the same time, doing the same thing, everyday. But nothing brightens a day like tricking a heterosexual male friend into viewing gay porn. Back when AOL instant messenger was big, the trick was to change an innocuous link to something like,"God's Hand Appears in Rock Formation", with a hyperlink to something unbelievably offensive. Thinking they were about to have a laugh at the sake of another pious retard seeking to exploit religion for their personal monetary gain, instead they were forced to look at three naked geriatric men kissing and sucking each other's dicks. Yes, the famous "Lemon Party". Go on, look at it. It's like staring at the fucking sun. You'll get whiplash from turning away your head so quick. What started as something innocent, like a 70 year old man threesome, to stuff more hardcore. Eventually we were inserting hyperlinks to videos of a dude bouncing up and down on another dude's cock with his dick spinning in circles with each bounce to Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)" as the soundtrack. The best part is after about 20 seconds a message reading "You Are Officially Gay" pops up. I can sit here and say I watched it because I'm not gay. I'm a flaming heterosexual. And I also don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. If I were so inclined, trust me I'm not, but if I were, I'd just tell you I'm gonna go give a dude a pump. I'd be like, "Yo, I gotta get my dick sucked by this dude". I'm not going to hide it. You have to deal with my dick sucking activity, not me. We were becoming more and more desensitized to gay porn by the day. The next clip du jour was a dude blowing himself on a couch to the musical stylings of D.V.D.A (which is a porn term for double vagina, double anal penetration). That was hilarious. The game then stepped up to the Pain Olympics, which is a dude chopping off his cock and balls, the famous 2 Girls 1 Cup, to a dude sitting on a pickle jar and then breaking it with his sphincter with blood gushing out. It was at this point I realized we have crossed a line: We were now consistently exposing ourselves to the bowels (no pun intended) of gay porn on a daily basis. Who was actually getting punished? My buddy? Or me for trying to find the grossest gay porn I could find? Needless to say, this game died a grateful death. I'm sure you're thinking, "He said blogging is gay while he is blogging" and yes, you're right. I want to punch myself in the face. But if I got just ONE of you to click on any of the aforementioned links, it's all worth it. I gotta run, I'm gonna go get my dick sucked. By a dude. You faggot.

I will eat you

Seriously, I will. Actually not will, want. I WANT to eat you. You better hope to god that we aren't in an "Alive" situation where our plane crashes in the Andes and people have to eat the dead to survive because I wouldn't wait that long. I'd have started picking motherfuckers off that same day. We're on a mountain in the middle of nowhere? Your ass is getting ate. You better have eyes on the back of your head because I'm following the biggest person around with a knife and fork. . . . But don't think that I'm some sort of Jeffrey Dahmer type because that dude was fucked up; I just wouldn't hesitate if the opportunity arose to taste some delicious, delectable human meat. I wonder what type of person would make the best meal? It can't be a dude who works out every day, I feel he might be a tad gamey. It can't be a fat bitch either cause there's probably all kinds of nasty shit in there, a child seems wrong. . . yes, it would have to be someone who is moderately active. Not too toned, but not too fat either. When I was in college a friend told me about Manbeef.com and it was probably one of the most exciting, yet disappointing days of my life as I soon discovered it was a farce. How dare they dangle the possibility of a delicious human thigh, marinated to perfection, served medium rare. I'm drooling right now. . . I don't want to be cynical, but if someone disappears for three days, they're usually dead. So that's how many days I'll give you when we're stranded out in the woods. Three days then you're getting served. To myself.

There should be more dead people

There should be. With the advent of modern medicine, doctors now save all those idiots who are supposed to die. Fuck 'em. Unless they have something to contribute that makes society better, just let 'em go. Stephen Hawking. Now THAT dude should be kept alive in perpetuity. Even if he was dead he'd still be smarter than 99.99% of the population. Don't bury him, keep him hooked up to that word computer and I bet his decaying corpse would continue explaining the mysteries of the universe. I can't believe they want to abolish abortion. We need more abortions. YOU probably should have been aborted. Healthcare today is so fucking awesome that we can't seem to allow nature to run it's course. The weak and inferior are not allowed to die anymore. There should be more dead people.

Chipotle is my America

Speaking of Mexicans, everytime I have a delicious Chipotle' burrito it makes my asshole burn and spew hot, liquid lava. Whenever it happens I swear never to eat there again, yet something always brings me back. Sort of like no matter how many times we kick Mexicans out of our country, they keep coming back. I am Mexican and Chipotle' is my America.

Chuck Norris' real name is Carlos

Chuck Norris' real name is Carlos. Seriously, look that shit up: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_norris. He changed it to Chuck because he didn't want anyone to think he was Mexican. Who could blame him? Karate champions cannot be Mexican. Walker, Texas Ranger, cannot be Mexican. Is it gay to want Carlos Norris to nuzzle my forehead with his grizzly beard and then deliver a fatal roundhouse blow to my chin? That sounds pretty goddamn fucking awesome.