Baby Huey

After working in the same office with the same people for a few years, you can't help but notice your co-workers idiosyncrasies. We have a guy in our office that literally does nothing all day. He doesn't even have a fucking computer at his desk. Wait, I lied. He actually got one LAST WEEK. I started out as a college intern 8 years ago, and he just got the computer. He makes 140k to read the newspaper and find high school marching bands for games one month out of the year. But this doesn't affect me so I don't care about it. What DOES affect me are people who insist on engaging in small talk in the bathroom. There's this one dude who pisses and shits at least 16 times a day (twice an hour). And after he shits, it's beyond foul. I wish we had a sign we could put up after he shits that says "____ was just here" so I know to avoid the bathroom for the next five hours. He looks like Baby Huey and really needs to see a doctor. I hear the guy trying to piss and it sounds like he's trying deadlift 400 pounds. . . But anyway, when I do venture in there, there's always someone who wants to talk. Why THE FUCK would you want to spend any more other than the absolute minimum amount of time in the bathroom? It is a place of bodily functions. A human waste depository. A place where excrement lives and ass-wiping is taking place. Is there anything so important that it can't wait 30 seconds to discuss? We really have to talk about it over the grunts of a guy pinching off a loaf in a closed environment that, literally, smells like shit?

Co-worker: "So Slumdog Millionaire was an excellent movie, have you seen it yet?"
Guy Shitting: "UNNNHH, AHHHH. . . whew!"
Me: "Oh yeah, it should definitely win best picture."

I'm too polite. . .