Shit

I have pooping issues. It takes me forever. I need a book, half a roll of toilet paper, and total solace (and more fiber). I'm in there for minimum 20 minutes. My buddy always gives me shit (not literally) about it. His name is, ironically, The Slug. The Slug goes, "Bro! You gotta let the shit just slide out Bro! Loosen up the sphincter!" He's the kind of guy who comes running to show the 14 inch long, totally intact shit he just took. I don't understand how a shit can be so long. An asshole that isn't used to be being dilated for extended amounts of time has to pucker up for air at some point. My argument is in order to be able to take a shit that big, your asshole has got to be loose. Loose like you-regularly-get-pumped-up-the ass-by-a giant-cock loose. That's the only way, in my mind, a shit can take such a form. My asshole is too tight to drop shits like that. I clamp up, it get's all messy, and takes forever to wipe. At summer camp, this was when I was like 14 years old, we're sitting on the front porch of the cabin and my boy Sean says, "Be right back, I gotta go shit." He was gone for literally 60 seconds. I was like, "Dude! That was faster than I can piss! How the hell did you do that?" He goes, "The shit just slides out my asshole." I was blown away; such profundities are not usually uttered by 15 year old adolescents. Especially by ones who used to inhale air-conditioner fluid. . .