Why I'm invincible

Anytime you narrowly escape bodily harm, you get more awesome. One of my motto's is: "The more brushes with death, the more awesome you get." That is why scars are so awesome. It means something fucked you up but you're still here, which means you won, and only winners are awesome. Even if the fuck up was self-inflicted, that's still awesome. I stabbed myself in the leg with a knife once. You may call it stupid, but I call it awesome. The knife was sticking out of my leg, in to the hilt. I pulled it out, the friction of the blade caused my innerds to pop out of the hole. Anytime you can see the inside of your body, so long as it's not through your asshole, it's awesome. I had to get stiches. Everyone knows stitches are awesome. What would you say if someone got shot in the face and survived? I would say that's pretty goddamned fucking awesome. What if you went skydiving, the parachute didn't open, and you survived? Fucking right that's awesome. And I'm not making that up, that shit really happens too. "JAT stewardess Vesna Vulović survived a fall of 33,000 feet (over 10,000 meters) on January 26, 1972 when she was thrown from JAT Flight 364, after the plane exploded over Srbská Kamenice in former Czechoslovakia (now Czech Republic). She broke several bones and was in a coma for 27 days." And guess what? She woke up, and is now more awesome than ever. You know what else I think would be incredibly awesome? Getting struck by lightning. I always wish when someone says, "you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than _______", I could just say, "I got struck by lightning." Wow. Just typing, "I got struck by lightning" made me feel awesome. Say that out loud. It's awesome. One thousand people get struck by lightning each year. Only one hundred, or 10%, die. That means nine hundred people survive lightning strikes each year. That's awesome. Another awesome move is getting hit by a car. While you're crossing the street. That happened to me. That's how I know I'm awesome. I was fifteen and a buddy and I were crossing a ten lane super-highway. We were not in the crosswalks. All traffic in every lane was bumper to bumper. Except the bus lane. We crossed nine lanes and my buddy crossed the last one. A van was obstructing my view of oncoming traffic, but since my buddy made it and the bus lane had no buses in sight, I crossed. Stepped right in front of a state trooper en route to an accident. She did not have her sirens on. I was told later she was going about 45 miles per hour. Much to the car's chagrin, (it was out to get to me) I possess puma-like reflexes and I managed to hop up slightly and turn, so my calves hit the bumper and my ass hit the hood. Upon impact the cop slammed on the breaks and I went flying. I landed on the street a few yards ahead of the car. I got up and tried to run away, because that's what I do when I see cops. I am always up to no good (I never understood what would possess a human being to become an enforcer of the law.* They must have all been asshole raped as children). My legs weren't working due to shock. I fell down and the cop screamed at me to not move. I tried to gather my wits while I was sitting on the grass. Inspite of the situation, I found it amusing that the police noticed the "bad cop, no doughnut" sticker on the bottom of my buddy's skateboard. I surveyed the scene: I smashed her windshield, dented the shit out of her hood, and broke lights off the bumper. I kicked the shit out of that car. But I was underage and could not refuse medical attention, so an ambulance took me to the hospital. I was looked over, but there was nothing wrong. As I was leaving, the doctor told me how lucky I was and how I must have guardian angels looking after me. I stopped dead in my tracks. I turned to him and said, "There are no angels motherfucker, I'm fucking invincible."

*Before I was allowed to leave the hospital, the troopers gave me a ticket for jaywalking. Dicks.