Alpha Male

Basically, I'm superior in every quantifiable measure of what makes a man, a "man." My dick is 17 inches long. I can suck that shit. And it's not gay because that would make jerking off gay, and jerking off is awesome. I fuck a different bitch everyday, ever since I was six years old, which was when I lost my virginity. You want to fight? HA HA! Bad idea, buddy. I have quintuple black belt in Gracie Jiu-Jitsu, which is the best way to fight in the world. I was at a bar one time and this dude looked at me. I told him, "Hey! Don't fucking look at me!" even though I knew he couldn't help it because I was so much better than looking than him. I used to model. Then I punched him the face and knocked him out, because I know exactly where in your face to punch so you immediately lose consciousness. He had, like, 15 of his boys with him, but I used my Jiu-Jitsu skills and fucked them up, one at a time. They ended up apologizing for not recognizing my awesomeness and bought me drinks. Let's see how many push ups you can do. 1, 2, 3, 4 . . . 73? Wow, that's not bad. I actually have the world record for most push ups in row, which is 1,023 so you wouldn't want to have a push up contest with me. Want to arm wrestle? Big mistake. Look at these forearms. They're bigger than Mark McGwire's forearms. They wanted to use me in that arm wrestling movie but Stallone did it instead because he was willing to lose. I never lose. Not even if it's pretend. I'm so fucking manly that if I were chick, I'd use strap-on's to fuck other bitches. I'm also a fucking genius. My IQ is 162. When I was twelve, I had the vocabulary of a thirty seven year-old. You know I'm smart because I make more money than you; I make a shit load of money. Last fall, I outbid Bill Gates on a Basquiat painting at a Sotheby's auction. You're going to Europe this summer? That's pretty sweet. Weather permitting, I'll be summiting Everest at the end of August. I saved the biggest for last. I did K2 last year; while technically more difficult, it lacked the accomplishment one experiences from conquering the tallest mountain in the world. I had to step it up after Kilimanjaro. I barely broke a sweat, in Africa no less, ahuhuhuh!

Summary:

I make more money than you, I'm smarter, I'm stronger, I can beat you up, I fuck more girls than you, and my dick is bigger. You should probably just kill yourself now because happiness is obviously completely out of the question.