Baster Mater

Why can't I masturbate at work? Surely such an activity should be saved for the privacy of one's own bedroom. But I assert that sometimes, there are extraordinary circumstances. I try to drop loads AT LEAST once a day, but shit happens. Maybe I've been busy and I can't get that apple bottom out of my mind. What if my ability to perform my tasks in a productive manner is hindered by these urges? I think it should be permissible for me to relieve myself of this tension in a discreet fashion somewhere in the workplace. I often frequent a bathroom in an area of my building that's rarely occupied. I attain complete solace in this place. What if I've had a few busy days, see the marketing coordinator who happens to have a shelf for an ass, and I haven't had the time to drop a load? I should be allowed to relieve myself. Men are visual creatures. It's simple biology; we become aroused through visual imagery. The onus is on the company when they employ women who wear figure fitting clothing so it's not my fault I have a tent pole in my pants because I saw my colleague's thong when she was bending over to replenish the copier with paper. That's bullshit. Bill Clinton know what I'm saying. And at the end of the day, it really is for the company's benefit: I go back to work, rosy-cheeked, focused, productive, and no one has to know. Instead, I feel shame. Imagine that? Shame when I masturbate in the cold, dark bathroom. Where have we come to as a society when it is considered a shameful act to furiously masturbate (privately) in the workplace? I'm not making unsolicited advances or harassing female employees. I make sure I clean up real good. What's the problem? Why is this frowned upon? If someone came in, I would stop. Or at least keep my groans to a minimum. I always wash my hands. I go dry, so I'm not wasting soap. I'm in the stall. . . I'm really having trouble understanding why this is an issue. I work from my mind so there's no possibility of errant pornography offending other visitors. I challenge anyone to convince me that loving myself in private, at work, is salacious behavior. Anyone who would is obviously sexually repressed. In order to maintain positive sexual mental health, all of this must be brought to the forefront. These desires cannot be contained. It's natural and beautiful. I'm not going to think of my dog getting run over the next time I pop wood at work any longer. THAT's offensive. And I won't seduce a coworker to satisfy my lust when I feel overwhelmingly amorous. Workplace pumping sounds great in theory, but in practice, a terrible idea. It would be awesome for like two days, and then it would be awkward (For her, obviously, I don't care about her feelings). I would have to tell her:

"Look, we only had sex because I felt a severe compulsion to masturbate in the middle of the day. But I realized it's more socially acceptable to defile another human being instead of myself because of my anti-workplace-masturbation acculturation, so it was just some immediate physical gratification. You were really just a substitute for my hand and I probably won't want to do this again for at least 5 months. I hope you don't get too emotional because it wasn't personal. Don't tell anyone because I don't want people in the office thinking you're a slut. It would also make things easier if you could avoid making eye contact with me when we pass in the hall. . . Oh! And if could you remember to turn in those invoices from last month, that would be terrific. Thanks!"