Boomerang Bang

In five years, I'm going to fuck your wife.

My apologies if that statement offends, but I feel an obligation to brace you for reality. You really shouldn't be upset over it because the overwhelming odds are by then, you'll be divorced and have another woman. See, my generation has grown up in an age of unprecedented technology, communication, and media. Everything is reported in real time. Whatever we could possibly want to know is one search engine away. We use credit cards to spend money we don't have. TV show plot lines have been reduced to 3 second soundbites because our attention spans are shorter than a mouse's dick. With the meteoric rise of reality television, it's ridiculous to believe my generation can sustain a marriage past five years (and I'm probably being generous with my estimation). There's a reason we don't produce students who can't compete with the rest of the world; they're too busy being enthralled by the "Jersey Shore". I would bet a million dollars no one on that show has ever read a book. No one reads books anymore. College students these days can't even be bothered to study. If they can find out who invented carpet in less than sixty seconds, why would anyone bother putting time into a marriage? Because you think you love each other? Just because you lived with each other for two years doesn't mean you're in love. In your case, it was more convenient and cheaper if you shared a domicile, cause one of you was always at the others' house. My generation doesn't know what love is. Love is the shit that makes you want to poison someone. Romeo and Juliet, that was fucking love, and it wasn't even real. But no one would know unless they hadn't made a movie about it. If I had a dollar for every person who hasn't read Shakespeare, I'd wipe my ass with Bill Gates. That's why in five years, you will divorce your wife. Neither of you will have the patience or fortitude to put in the work a quality marriage requires. You're soft. You're used to the easy way, and the easy way is walking away. That's when your ex-wife is gonna start whoring it up, with me. After a few years of marriage go by, the passion goes away. The routine sets in, the excitement vanishes. It's clinically proven that a man's testosterone wanes in a long term, monogamous relationship. When sex is available 24/7 , you will begin to take it for granted. There are no more surprises in bed, you've done everything there is to do. You will worry more about your fantasy sports league or whatever non-creative interests you have. By the time you guys finally split up she will have felt neglected by you, and now craves the attention of other men. A LOT of of other men. She will long to be desired. Inside every woman is a freak, desperate to get out. So in five years, she will get what I call, "The Boomerang Bang." Women will hit their mid to late twenties, feel the biological clock speed up, and pressure their current boyfriends into marriage. Then she'll depart upon a journey of wedded bliss. In her head, because she doesn't realize, as you do, that we are in a new age. "Till Death Do Us Part" is obsolete. This is a message of hope to men who believe their chances to land a marlin have come and gone because of a silly little band on her finger. Patience is a virtue, my friends. We'll catch them on the flip side.